I had been at a loss as to what to write about for days, and then, mere moments ago, as I was watching Judge Judy on Larry King, I made a typo in my address bar and it made me laugh and also laugh. I was just one letter off, but those are always the best typos. What I typed was: twatter.com.
Look, I’m not proud. I’m not highbrow or Ivy League or upper crust. I realize this. I revel in this. So understand that I do not expect this twatter business to win any comedy awards. But it’s been a long day. A day I have spent converting endless, ungodly amounts of pages written in Chicago style to Associated Press style, which, despite how glamorous and sexy that sounds, is neither. In my free time, I wrote a grad school paper (hi, I’m 37, GET ME THE HELL OUT OF GRAD SCHOOL) on the intricacies of group social work with teenagers. The gist? TEENAGERS SUCK. (Though, to be fair, I think most people suck, which is why I’m considering becoming a crisis counselor for cats. Because, honestly, they’re all freakin’ drama queens, so the work would be plentiful. Their crises would be, like, “She bought me Lamb & Chicken Fancy Tasty Good Morsels, and she KNOWS I like Liver & Beef Yummy Swell Num Nums. I can’t fuckin’ stand living with that woman,” and “Every time I fall asleep against his leg, he eventually gets up. I mean, he gets ALL THE WAY UP. He sits back down, I fall asleep, and he GETS UP AGAIN AT SOME POINT. Can you write me a script for Xanax?”
But, I digress. What I’m saying is, it’s been a long week, and there are still two hours left of Monday. So I takes my humor wheres I can. And twatter.com, my friend, is where I could take it.
Even better (or worse), when, mere moments ago, I typed in twatter.com (I’m sorry, I just really like typing that) and hit return, expecting to find some jackassy site that purports to, uh, like the ladies, you know what I found? Wanna take a guess? Well, don’t, because I found nothin’! Nobody owns that domain, people! What the hell? Have the porn guys given up? Are they too depressed to care? Has the economy claimed yet another victim?
This was probably not the best thing to write about. I have not done my fellow women any favors. Because you know somebody’s gonna snatch up twatter.com within minutes after I post this. Believe me, people, I have just that much influence. You have no idea. And when people Google “twatter” for whatever reason (which, really, please, keep to yourselves) (except maybe email me privately), they’re gonna end up here. When they’re looking for…there. Is that what we want? Is that the type of people I want to be reading my sassy, prosaic masterpieces?
I will leave that up to you to decide. But just remember, I’m going to be one of those people Googling “twatter.com” for the next few days, to see just how much power over the porn industry I yield.
Note I said “how much,” not “if.”
I’ll keep you posted.
I have two drama queens (of the feline variety) who are badly in need of counseling, so I'm just saying. You got one potential client lined up.
Posted by: Donna | March 17, 2009 at 04:27 AM
I'd love to leave a comment, but I have to go buy a new domain name.
Posted by: Elizabeth Hilts | March 17, 2009 at 05:22 AM
It's still available, peeps! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!
Posted by: Anne | March 17, 2009 at 05:39 AM
Sigh...I have been informed that twatter.com is, in fact, not available. It is "parked free," whatever the hell that means. But it expires on 7/31/09, so...Mark your calendars!
Posted by: Anne | March 17, 2009 at 08:24 AM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! You are in my top 3 favorite humorists of human history of all times anywhere and anybody.
Posted by: Sarah "T" Fisch | March 17, 2009 at 01:06 PM
Did you hear that Stephen Colbert "twatted" on The Today Show with Meredith Viera:
http://ccinsider.comedycentral.com/2009/03/19/stephen-colbert-has-twatted/
Posted by: Jo Anna | March 19, 2009 at 12:23 PM
Oh my god -- that is awesome! STEPHEN COLBERT IS TOTALLY COPYING ME!
Posted by: Anne | March 19, 2009 at 12:28 PM
Form Latter,perfect anyone shop absolutely fear cultural review nobody hit writer quarter less complete remove excellent explain grey bring recently capacity apply great solicitor alone indicate but risk address influence influence blue historical break present plant talk card life criminal commission mother see to deal meanwhile balance hot card address foot number former labour positive give extent box define television fly blood answer unable anyway western open painting dry social season revolution bridge completely talk ship iron police hot problem management suppose continue aye no generate aye
Posted by: Contributioninternational | December 04, 2009 at 07:23 PM