The Real 'Cafones' of New Jersey

UPDATE - June 26, 2009: What Danielle did to Dina that enraged Caroline in part two of the reunion.

On May 12, Bravo will premiere the latest in its chain of "Real Housewives of ..." foolishness, The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

As its predecessors — The Real Housewives of Orange County, The Real Housewives of New York, and The Real Housewives of Atlanta — The Real Housewives of New Jersey will feature a group of shallow women fighting each other for attention and hocking their wares, all while contemplating breast implants, throwing parties, and/or raising children that they believe are better than everyone else's kids (and who will likely hate them in the future for what they've done).

For the most part, it's the same-ol', same-ol' Housewives jackassery, but in a new state and with different and (although I didn't think it possible) even more desperate women than before. The most notable difference is that The Real Housewives of New Jersey stars Italian-American women who are more than just backstabbing-friends — they're family.

The Garden State cast (meet them all in the videos below) includes two sisters, Dina and Caroline Manzo (who not-so-incidentally are married to two brothers), and one sister-in-law, Jacqueline Laurita. 

Caroline Manzo is the matriarch of the group, an obvious Carmela Soprano wanna-be. She owns two successful businesses, including a real estate firm, and she's been married to her huband Albert for over 25 years. Albert runs The Brownstone, a New Jersey banquet facility. If you live in the Tri-State area and have been to a wedding in Jersey in the past 30 years, the chances are very good that you've been to The Brownstone once or twice. That number goes up substantially if you're Italian.

Caroline and Albert have three Children — Albie, who is studying to be a lawyer; Christopher, who wants to open a strip club, and Lauren, who helps out with the family business.

Dina Manzo is Caroline's sister. She's an interior designer and event planner, and is married to Tommy Manzo, who runs The Brownstone with Caroline's husband. Dina has a teenage daughter, Alexia, who is not Tommy's.  

Jacqueline Laurita is Caroline and Dina's sister-in-law. She's from Las Vegas and has been with her husband Chris (Caroline and Dina's brother) for over 13 years. Chris owns several apparel businesses (but I'm taking bets now as to how many times we'll see him in a velour running suit). They have a six-year old son, CJ, and Jacqueline has a teenage daughter, Ashley, from a previous marriage. Jacqueline and her sisters-in-law enjoy spending time together. (Yeah, not really.)

The last two housewives, Teresa Giudice and Danielle Staub, don't appear to be related to one another or anyone else on the show. And that might or might not work out well for them.

 

Teresa is a Jersey girl. "I grew up in Jersey my whole life," she proudly admits. (At least she knows she's not done growing up.) She is married to Joe, the boy she played house with when they were both kids. According to Teresa, Joe, is an  "entreprenuer" who "owns a construction company," and he's the best thing that ever happened to her. Why? Because he's "an ass guy ... delicious and juicy." Joe, in case you're wondering, actually says  "fuhgettaboudit" with a straight face.

Teresa and Joe have three daughters, and, despite what you learned from Goodfellas, not one is named Maria or Connie. They are called Gia, Gabriella, and Milania. Teresa loves teaching them all how to be “fabulous” because they're "divas like their mama."   

Danielle Staub looks very familiar to me. I've seen her before, but I can't put my finger on where. Danielle sports a brow lift that makes her appear perpetually shocked, as if someone has just told her she's ugly and not tan enough.

Her philosophy of life is simple and very black and white. “You either love me or you love to hate me," she says.  "There is no in between.” 

Well, there is something in between, Danielle, and it's called pity. But, "WHATEVER-R-R-R," as this housewife would probably say. She couldn't care less about what I and others think of her, because she prides herself on being "one of the first women in New Jersey (and 14th person in the country) to have a Black American Express Card."  

Danielle is also known for being brutally honest. Translation: She has no internal edit function. And that's really a shame because she's a single mother with two young daughters, Christine and Jillian, who she's grooming to be just like her. She does everything with her children because she considers them her best friends. 

I take that back. She does almost everything with her children (video below). Her kids probably aren't around when she's having phone sex with a man she met on the Internet, or when she's blowing him. But they're definitely by her side when they all attend church together. Our Lady of Perpetual Fellatio? Perhaps.

Bravo claims that this change in casting brings "a whole new level of familial drama to the table." But I say it's a whole new low. We've already seen the Sopranos and don't need a pathetic re-enactment featuring a bunch of cafones without access to a cleverly written script — unless everyone gets whacked in the end. That might be worth watching. 

Oh, relax; I'm just kidding (and it's not exactly a far-fetched joke, as you'll see if you read on). Taking an opportunity to promote a stereotype is cool! Um, isn't it? Isn't promoting stereotypes that The Sopranos dramatized first what this show is ALL about?

I think so, but let's review anyway:

Does the show explore themes of Italian-American identity through familial relationships? Check. Badly? Check!

Does it feature a street-smart cast that's lacking heavily in formal education and a deeper understanding of themselves? Check.

Shrewd manipulators with emotional problems and linguistic shortcomings? Check.

Arrogant top-earners with a tendency to be obnoxious? Check.

Is there at least one person in the construction business and another who thinks owning a strip club is a great idea? Check.

Scenes at a family owned restaurant? Check.

Shots of extremely large, brickfaced homes with driveways sporting large SUVs and at least one small Mercedes? Check.

Does the show feature a Joe? Check. A Christopher? Check. A Big Pussy? You can't  make me go there!

My point is, we've been there, and done that — better. Much better. Besides, didn't someone already do a reality show about a mob princess and her family called "Growing Up Gotti"?

Yes.

It was a bad idea then, it's a bad idea now, and ... it just got worse. Or, if you work in Bravo's PR department, it got better — way better! In the words of Tony Soprano's nephew Christoper Moltisanti, "You ever think what a coincidence it is that Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease?"

The New York Daily News reported today that Sisters Dina and Caroline Manzo share more than just producers — they share a murdered father-in-law, Albert Manzo:

Albert (Tiny) Manzo was executed mob-style in August 1983, after he and Gambino family soldier Peter A. Campisi were suspected of skimming from a mob casino on Staten Island. "A couple of weeks later, they found Tiny Manzo in the trunk of his car," recalled Robert Buccino, a New Jersey organized crime expert. 

The 350-pound mobster took four slugs to his torso. His naked body - the arms and legs bound in plastic - was discovered in the trunk of his parked Lincoln-Continental outside a supermarket in Hillside, N.J. The killing was never solved.

Campisi, a made man and Tiny's partner in the casino, suffered a similar fate, Buccino recalled.

The colorful Manzo, who ran for mayor of Paterson in 1974, also owned the Brownstone Restaurant - one of the main backdrops for action in "Housewives."

Murder! Mystery! Strip clubs! Boobs! Blow jobs! Fire up the rigatoni and stir the gravy (don't even think about calling it sauce), fellow paisans! It's going to be an eye-rolling summer.

Comments

[Evilsharon]

None of these women have big enough hair for me.

[Jenna DQ]

I don't even know what to say about this. lol Everything you note in the 'review' is spot-on. I'm an Italian Jersey girl and I'm always insulted by these frigin mal-formed apes (See: Growing up Gotti) parading around as wiseguys. "Hey, my grandfather was in the mob! That gives me an unentitled sense of authority!" I'm sick of the glorification of the mafia (helped in no small part by The Sopranos, a show i still haven't seen). And I hate that Italian-American has become synonymous with guido. (At least in NJ) Let's not even get into the Jersey Shore and Long Island!

I can see the entertainment value if these 'characters' aren't the norm in one's life. But after you grow up with them, go to high school with them, are related to them, vacation with them, it's just tired. It's funny when it's JUST a crazy uncle or JUST this new kid who just transferred from Bada-Bing-ville NY...

I just think it's time to stop promoting the 'greezball' persona so consistently.

[Kim]

Jenna, I recommend The Sopranos, despite the 'mob glorification' of it. It was a very, very smart show (unlike The Real Housewives series) -- to good to be ignored.

[albano]

i dont understand how they even do a show w these people.tiny manzo was a murderer ,so his money is dirty these people are really low for saying is not true sppecially caroline.yea enjoy your money and happines while some bodys son or father is dad from tiny great?shame on all of you

[Tony]

According to the reunion show Caroline "doesn't understand" how Tiny died? Apparently she's the only one who can't put two plus two together. He was a partner in business with a made man in the Gambino family, they both were accused of skimming from a casino, and they both died of sudden lead poisoning.

[Carlitosarmani]

Wow your hatefull. Regardless of the manzos family mob connections this show wasn't about that .the housewives is about drama its what u should expect .people néed to spend there time on other things than herting a family that lost a love one . I love the manzo family they seem like an amazingly closs family . If u have nothing nice to say change the channel don't watch I know I'm going to watch every episode