Charles Barkley to Tiger Woods' Critics: You Don't Understand 'Cause You're Not Famous

So Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley and Tiger Woods walk into a bar. 

The bartender asks, "What'll ya have?" 

"Miller Lite," Barkley replies. "We can't have real beer tonight because we're not here to have a good time.  We got together to give Tiger a shoulder to cry on."

No, this isn't the beginning of yet another lame joke in post-Tiger-adultery America.  This is apparently how things actually play out for famous athletes when one of their friends becomes a total douchebag.  Here we have CNN quoting Charles Barkley:

"I think when you have these fires in your life, as I call them, you need to talk to somebody else who is famous who [has] been through things in their life," Barkley said. "I don't think you can talk about it to your family and friends, because your family and friends, they're not famous."

Fucking incredible.  Where do I start on this gem of a quote?

To begin, let's do some digging in the Charles Barkley Dictionary of Words Famous People Use, Second Edition:

fire [fahy-uhr] noun:

1. What you call it when your famous idiot friend sticks his dick in any number of women to whom he is not married, when he is married, and you want to put it nicely during an interview.
2. Something that, though pretty, is very, very hot and should not be touched. [Added for Paris Hilton's reference in the Second Edition.]

Next, let's make an inference regarding Barkley's meaning in the latter part of the quote.  For ease of analysis, I've crossed out the original text and replaced it with the implied statement:

"I don't think you can talk about it to your family and friends, because your family and friends, they're not famous going to want to talk to you now that you've revealed how much of a douchebag you are.  But other famous people will understand, because most of them have fucked up in the same way."

Brilliant.  But here's where this model for "famous guys' night out" falls apart:

Tiger Woods has changed his cell phone number and is not talking to some of his famous friends ...

Oh, snap!  So Tiger is refusing to accept offers of famous shoulders to cry on?  Spike Lee offers his insight:

"He's insulated," Lee said. "If Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan can't get to him, and those are his boys, then other people are making bad moves."

Maybe — just maybe — Woods is so ashamed of himself that he can't face his friends — even the famous ones.

Nah.  He's probably just too busy calling every accountant he knows in an effort to hide his wealth before his wife takes a chainsaw to his estate.  I hope she takes him to the cleaners, or at least takes a five iron to his balls.

Comments

[Tracy]

Perhaps they should get together with Brian Williams of NBC. He's impressed with, "better-than-average" people.

[Holytroll.blogspot.com]

Everything else aside the thing that pisses me off the most about this whole thing is the people who've been saying that he deserved to get smacked over the head with a golf club by his wife.

If the gender roles were reversed he'd be tarred and feathered, and possibly drawn and quartered afterwards, and maybe some other bad cliche, for spousal abuse.

I hate the media.

[Tracy]

Holytroll,

I agree. She, quite obviously, had good reason to be pissed. But had the roles been reversed, she cheated and he hit her with the club, he'd be in a world of trouble.

Regarding the media? Most of them are agenda-whores, driven by their political beliefs rather than reporting facts and the truth, which is an abhorrent negligence of their DUTY.

[Kim]

I'd love to see Tiger press charges against his wife, just to prove that his popularity rating can get even lower than it already is.

[Tracy]

Kim,

Yes, he would drop even lower.

Which would be a shame - what makes her hitting him in the head with a club any more excusable than if she'd cheated on him like that and he hit her?

It's inexcusable, both ways.

I'm trying to understand the meaning behind your post? :)