Yesterday in Oslo, Norway, President Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize with one hand and gave its spirit the middle finger with the other.
No. Fuck that. We didn't cut Bush that kind of slack, and I'm not going to do Obama any favors in that regard. The man gets some credit for inheriting one whale of an international relations/economic/everything-else-for-that-matter mess and not going bonkers in the first week, but beyond that I'm not handing out praise until I get my hands on some of that rich, tasty change I voted for a year ago. Yum!
Sure, some things have changed and, sure, Obama's only had one year to work on everything. But we have yet to see a plan detailing how he's going to make things better over the three years he's got left. There needs to be a plan because, to modify the old adage ever so slightly, "Failing to plan is like planning to fuck up real badly, which is exactly what I expect from you because you've always been a lazy-ass fuckup, and I'm sick of it. I'm breaking up with you."(OK, so I modified it a lot. Sue me.)
What to do?
I propose that a petition be drafted, signed by a gathering of conscientious citizens, and sent to President Obama without delay. Its purpose: to set Obama straight on what needs to be done in order make this country great again. I'm talking great great, like it was in idyllic 50's anti-Communist propaganda — only without the whole paranoid, intolerant, white-bread society thing. OK, so nothing like idyllic 50's anti-Communist propaganda. But I'm still talking great.
So here's what Obama should probably spend the next three years doing:1) Stop yammering about the "just war" and come clean: we're just getting around (a couple of decades too late) to cleaning up the messes we made during the Cold War. See, Carter and Reagan fucked up when they supported the Afghan Mujahideen (and, indirectly, the Taliban). Reagan fucked up again when he supported the Iraqi government in the 80s. Bush (the senior) fucked up when he half-assed Desert Storm and left Saddam in power. Bush (the junior) fucked up by miring us in the kind of war that can only be "won" with total and final annihilation of entire countries (not a big fan of that, personally). Now Obama is left with the choice of trying to finish the job (a gamble) or pulling out early and leaving a big mess behind (a bigger gamble, not to mention a mildly-amusing image if you want to read it that way). I would've given him mad props if he'd declined the Nobel Peace Prize, asking the committee to consider him again if/when he actually brings some kind of peace into being.
2) Step up those restrictions on lobbying, already! Who cares if everybody gets a vote when a board of executives can throw obscene amounts of money at shifting federal policy in its favor? Forbid all lobbyists to come within five hundred feet of the Capitol building and all members of Congress, and penalize them severely if they break the rule. Additionally, any Congressman caught hanging out with a lobbyist will promptly be kicked in the balls. Hard. Any offending Congresswoman will be subjected to no less than a continuous, uninterrupted thirty-six hours of Spike TV.
3) Concerning health care: if item 2 (above) is enacted, Congress might just be able to ratify a health care bill that actually serves the people, as opposed to serving only the people running insurance companies.
4) Fix our broke-ass public education system. Sure, it might be expensive, but the big banks owe us — why can't Goldman Sachs, Bank of America, and Citigroup each adopt several thousand schools and give a little back to the people who propped up their asses with low-interest taxpayer-funded loans? It's not like they're going to turn around and give us low-interest loans, so we have to find some way of collecting our due.Yes, it's only four items. Not enough for you? Post a comment and let us know what else you think should be on the list. We can't be expected to come up with ALL the brilliant ideas.
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