Man With World's Largest Penis Scoffs Destiny, Can't Find Job (Video)

Imagine for a moment a world in which a boy named Albert Einstein declared, "Fuck science!  I'm going to be a famous athlete.  Nerds don't get taken seriously.  But athletes? They're the ones swimming in poon!"

Seems wrong, doesn't it?  A brilliant mind, destined for academic greatness, denied its ultimate purpose because its possessor would rather pursue his own whims than embrace the magnificent destiny that was laid at his feet by Providence (and I don't mean the one in Rhode Island).

That would be outrageous!

(For those of you who jumped on this article because you saw the word "penis" in the title, don't worry — I'm getting to that.)

Well, if the image of Albert Einstein as a linebacker for, let's say, the Oakland Raiders seems absurd to you, so should the curious case of Jonah Falcon.

Falcon is five feet, nine inches tall.  By all accounts, he's physically an average 39-year-old, except for one not-so-tiny detail — he's packing 13.5 inches of meaty man torpedo.

Let me repeat that.  Thirteen.  And a half.  Inches.  It's less a sex organ than it is an unstoppable force, a blunt object equally suited to bludgeoning elephants to death as it is to lovemaking.

In the Middle Ages, peasants beat off (tee-hee) invading armies with weapons less formidable than Jonah Falcon's disgustingly, horrifyingly, obscenely enviable sledgehammer of an organ.  Had he lived back in the Middle Ages, he might've found gainful employment as a battering ram during sieges. Or, forget breaking down the gates, he could've just thrown the damn thing over the castle wall and let the knights climb over and claim victory.

OK, so maybe I'm getting a little out of hand.  But bear in mind that it takes mighty big hands to get a good grip on something that might substitute for a telephone pole in a pinch.  Rolling Stone's interview with Jonah Falcon back in 2003 puts his one-eyed beast in perspective:

Tense your forearm. Now wrap your hand around the middle of the muscle. That is the girth of Falcon's erection.

And "What is the girth of Falcon's erection?" is the question that matches up with the Jeopardy! answer, "This object is most likely to cause massive, irreperable internal hemorraging."

When erect, Falcon's penis generates enough heat to warm hands — campfire style — from a distance of six inches.

The bad news is you still need wood to keep your campsite warm.  The good news is that you don't need matches, kindling, or a firepit.

(Those of you who are neither baffled to the point of stupidity nor aroused and distracted by this are probably wondering when I'm going to bridge the gap between an athletic Albert Einstein and Mr. I-Can-Kill-You-With-My-Dick Falcon.  I'm getting to that bit now.)

So what is the cock of the walk doing with his time these days?  Killing big game, unarmed?  Striking fear into the hearts of everyone in sight?

Nope. He's living with his mother and looking for steady work.  This begs the most obvious question, and the one he recently answered for Sphere:

I don't do porn.  If I did porn nobody would take me seriously. Nobody.

Now do you see the connection with my hypothetical football-playing Albert Einstein?  Here we have a guy who's obviously been blessed. I mean, he certainly earns a spot on my list of most awesome things ever:

1. The gift of life, free will, etc. (kind of all in the same bag)
2. Me
3. Pornography
4. Sushi
5. Jonah Falcon's mind-boggling penis
6. The remake of Battlestar Galactica
7. Sliced bread

Can you imagine bringing numbers 3 and 5 together? (If I wasn't so solidly entrenched in the number 2 spot, I might be heading for an upset!)

My point is this: If there is such a thing as destiny, which, according to Darth Vader, there is, then Jonah Falcon needs to quit whining about being taken seriously and own up to his ultimate purpose — to be the stuff of legends, the idol of millions of men, and the reason that hundreds of women and men (yeah, he's bisexual) end up in the ER with catastrophic internal hemorraging after ten minutes of filming.

Comments

[Jesse]

I just need to say that while reading this one particular post I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING. Well done! Absolutely love the humour.

[Tammi L. Coles]

You don't post his phone number. Keeping it all to yourself? Now that's just wrong...

[air yeezy]

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