Father Knows Best: A Prop 8 Tale Of Suck

Recently, a friend confessed to me that he voted "yes" on Proposition 8 in 2008. He regretted his decision almost immediately afterward, he said, and added that he now feels ashamed.

When I asked him why he voted to outlaw same-sex marriage, despite knowing, liking and respecting a number of gay people, including a favorite uncle, he told me that the "Yes on 8" folks had convinced him that gay marriage would be bad for his children because "it would be taught in schools." He couldn't recall exactly what would be taught, or even at what age children would be taught. He couldn't tell me how learning about family diversity would have a bad or direct (or even indirect) effect on his own family, because no one had ever really explained those things to him. And, most important, he couldn't say for sure that any of what he was told is true. He simply said that he'd watched enough "Yes on 8" ads to have been convinced that if he didn't vote 'yes,' his children would be harmed on some highly immoral (yet undefined) level.

I call it the "Father Knows Best" defense. But you can go ahead and call it bullshit.

If you saw the ads, you might remember that none of them urged viewers to take stock of their own moral fortitude before voting; not one suggested that voters take time to understand exactly what a 'yes' vote would mean for gays and lesbians or for the children of gays and lesbians; and not one even considered the obvious — that some of the children they claimed to be so interested in protecting will one day become gay and lesbian adults. So it was really no surprise that my friend admitted that he didn't bother to consider the ways in which his vote would effect anyone outside of his own immediate family. "I didn't think about what it really meant," he said, embarrassed. "I just checked a box."

As we talked, he repeated those last five words — "I just checked a box" — a number of times, as if trying to convince me that voting to make same-sex marriage illegal was a mistake anyone could have made, like accidentally pushing the wrong button on a vending machine. And each time he said them, I cringed. Sure, I thought, being denied equal rights was just like settling for a Coke when all I really wanted was a Pepsi.

Now, I know his vote wasn't malicious; that it was a result of thoughtlessness, not blatant bigotry. But I also know that he probably gave more thought to what to eat for dinner that night than to how his vote would effect an entire community. He (and tens of thousands of others on that day) decided that their fears were more important than others' basic rights — more important than love, even. And, that's distressing.

But that's only part of this tale of suck.

My friend not only made a horribly unfair decision, but he made it guided by principles based on a double standard. Think about it: He can marry and divorce a thousand times, even if he one day snaps and kills the kids he once screwed me over to protect, yet I offend his morals? That's insane.

But that thinking made (and continues to make) perfect sense to the anti-gay hypocrites behind the measure, who not only persuaded him to vote against gay marriage, but also got him to devalue decent people in the process. Thanks to their efforts and his indifference, gays and lesbians literally weren't worth a second thought.

So, how does a smart and not particularly religious guy throw his gay family members and friends under a bus, ignoring the first-hand evidence of their decency in favor of the unsupported claims of a bunch of strangers? Well, it seems that my friend was the perfect target for the "Yes on 8" campaign: A young and extremely busy father, who takes his role as protector very seriously.

Let's face it, parents tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to their kids. A man can take risks and fail in lots of areas, make excuses for his failures, and then often be forgiven — but rarely is a man excused for letting his children down. In fact, he's often vilified. So my friend took the bait. He checked 'yes' on the ballot so as not to fail Fatherhood 101, and consequently failed a whole bunch of queers instead.

At the time it seemed like a fair trade-off. But after watching the news in the days following the vote, and listening to one demoralized gay or lesbian couple after another talk about how it felt to be deemed second-class by a majority that included him, he realized he'd done something very wrong, and felt awful.

And after telling his uncle what he'd done? After telling me and my wife? He felt like a total shit. And he still does.

As he should. As do thousands of others, I suppose.

Sigh.

I don't know how to end this piece. Sure, I can wrap it up by telling you that I've forgiven him, which I have, because he really is a good guy and this story doesn't do justice to exactly how apologetic he was. But I don't want to put a bow on a story that's blowful. I don't want the message to be, "There, there... We all make mistakes, everything's all right," because what he did — what so many others did — is not OK with me.

Fuck!

I don't know. I just don't know ...

Comments

[Georgia]

So, so sad, Kim. Your poor friend. I bet he feels just awful...and honestly, I have to give him credit for actually telling you what he did. He could have just kept that little tidbit to himself, but I commend him for coming clean. Still...there must be hundreds, maybe thousands like him and it just baffles me that people are so easily influenced by others, that as a country, we're becoming less and less able to think for our freakin' selves. We just believe whoever sings the loudest song or shows us the prettiest colors and we follow them like they're the Pied Piper. You have your own brains, people. Think. About. It. Please...these are actual lives we're talking about.

[NGblog]

He can marry and divorce a thousand times, even if he one day snaps and kills the kids he once screwed me over to protect, yet I offend his morals? That's insane.

We have just such a situation taking place in New Jersey:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100218/ap_on_re_us/us_missing_baby_bridge

[Kim]

Georgia, it is very sad. And I do give him credit for admitting it -- a lot of credit. He really is a good guy, and I don't doubt that there are THOUSANDS like him.

NGblog, tragedies like the story you linked to happen everyday, and it surprises me that the double standard isn't driven home more often by the gay community.

[NGblog]

I don't know about you, but it's been made abundantly clear to me that many gays, especially the ones profiting in the equality business are really more interested in the dollar than they are for GLBT rights.

[Kim]

I don't think that's true, NG. Do I think GLBT orgs are concerned about finding and getting money to help the cause? Yes, of course, because without money the fight would be harder than it already is. But at the end of the day, for MOST activists, it's the cause that matters. If it wasn't, they'd all go out and make x-times more money in the private sector.