Pimp My Wry

Man With World's Largest Penis Scoffs Destiny, Can't Find Job (Video)

Imagine for a moment a world in which a boy named Albert Einstein declared, "Fuck science!  I'm going to be a famous athlete.  Nerds don't get taken seriously.  But athletes? They're the ones swimming in poon!"

Seems wrong, doesn't it?  A brilliant mind, destined for academic greatness, denied its ultimate purpose because its possessor would rather pursue his own whims than embrace the magnificent destiny that was laid at his feet by Providence (and I don't mean the one in Rhode Island).

That would be outrageous!

(For those of you who jumped on this article because you saw the word "penis" in the title, don't worry — I'm getting to that.)

Well, if the image of Albert Einstein as a linebacker for, let's say, the Oakland Raiders seems absurd to you, so should the curious case of Jonah Falcon.

Falcon is five feet, nine inches tall.  By all accounts, he's physically an average 39-year-old, except for one not-so-tiny detail — he's packing 13.5 inches of meaty man torpedo.

Is Common Sense Parenting A Thing Of The Past?

Remember being 14 and refusing to go to bed when told? Remember begging your parents to let you stay up?: "Not yet! Another half-hour! Please!" And remember your mother saying something like, "Now means NOW, not five minutes from now," and you replying, "Oh, c'mon, Mom! Just one commercial?"

And then remember your mother calling 911 because you wouldn't listen to her?

No? Me neither.

But that's exactly what a Boston woman recently did when she couldn't get her 14-year-old to stop playing Grand Theft Auto and go to sleep. From the Huffington Post:

Police spokesman Officer Joe Zanoli said Monday the mother called for help around 2:30 a.m. Saturday to say that the teenager also walked around the house and turned on all the lights.

Two officers who responded to the house persuaded the child to obey his mother.

Zanoli says the mother's 911 call over video game obsession "was a little unusual, but by no means is it surprising – especially in today's day and age when these kids play video games and computer games."

Wait. Let me get this straight: She's not the first woman to ever call 911 in an effort to get her kid to go to bed? Her call wasn't "surprising ... in today's day and age"?

Granted, since I don't have kids, I might be a little out of the loop when it comes to modern-day parenting. But I'm pretty sure that even the most frustrated moms with the most devilish kids don't routinely call the cops when they need help with discipline. Besides, what the heck happened to common sense and the ability of an angry parent to deprive his kids of what those kids love the most?

Let me tell you what would have happened if I tried to pull that crap in my house when I was 14:

Update: Someone with Authority Realizes That Some Kids Are Just Little Assholes... But the Point Is Still Missed

I have a nice, big helping of humble pie for those who doubt the political influence of raw, no-holds-barred journalism. Last week we brought you the story of (and just a tiny bit of critical commentary on) a series of attacks on red-headed students by some of the bigger little assholes at A. E. Wright Middle School in southern California.

Looks like the cops read our stuff. The Los Angeles Times reports that three of the unruly bastards responsible were arrested for their utterly stupid acts. Then the rest of the kids got together for a session of refilling toothpaste tubes:

On the first school day after Thanksgiving break, principal Kimmarie Taylor cautioned students on the public address system to be mindful of their responses to reporters and news crews that had gathered on campus. At an assembly earlier, she attempted to demonstrate the irreversible consequences of ill-thought-out actions by having students try to put toothpaste back into a tube using toothpicks. Later, they wrote essays about making the school a better place.

An A for effort, Principal Taylor, but if you believe these kids are too dense to pick up on the blatant satire present in a South Park episode, do you think they're really going to get anything out of that toothpaste exercise? And essays? Seriously?

Allow me to venture a guess at the ideas that came of this:

"Let's get more ginger kids so that we can spread the beatings around. Maybe they won't complain as much.

"Waffles for lunch on Tuesdays!"

"We could stop hitting the redheads and start beating the gays instead."

People, face it: kids are really just little adults, or, at the very least, more like adults than we want to believe. For every kid who saw that South Park episode and said, "Hey, let's hit gingers!" there was one who thought, "Wow, bigotry is fucked up."

After all, some adults consume media only superficially:

A judge in Calgary, Canada, where 13 high school students swarmed a red-haired boy in a locker room, called [South Park] "a vulgar, socially irreverent program that contributes nothing to society."

(Though, being Canadian, he might be biased. As you might recall, the South Park movie isn't exactly remembered for being considerate of our neighbors to the north.)

Other adults turn on that all-too-rarely-used region of the brain responsible for critical thinking:

"The irony of this is, the [South Park] episode that has been linked to this was in fact underscoring how hurtful, destructive and horrible bigotry is," said Donald Zimring, superintendent of the Las Virgenes Unified School District. "That kind of lesson is a fairly complex lesson. It's going to get lost on a 10-, 11-, or 12-year-old. . . . They don't understand the deeper meaning."

But even this genius fails to catch his own fallacious assumption. There's no reason a pre-teen can't grasp satire. Are human beings incapable of thinking deeply until after they've dealt with rampant outbreaks of acne, hair in new places, and the embarrassment of a sudden, inexplicable erection while presenting a report on the works of Jack London to their entire seventh-grade English class? No.

We know these kids have probably already seen this show, and we know that buried (not very deeply) in its crude animation and cruder language is a positive lesson that just as many understood as didn't. So, rather than have them make a mess with toothpaste and half-ass some essays, why not actually teach them something useful in a way they might actually pay attention to? Why not show them the episode in an educational context and help them achieve an understanding of its lesson, and of satire in general?

Or, fuck it — let's just assume they've all got bricks for brains and keep stuffing tater tots down their throats while we make them crank out the same shitty paper on The Catcher in the Rye year after year.

Leggo My Guido!

On December 3, MTV will premiere a brand new reality show called "Jersey Shore." MTV says the show will feature the "hottest, tannest, craziest Guidos" who "keep their hair high, their muscles juiced and their fists pumping all summer long!"  (Video below.)

Fuckin' A!

There are no better words to express how much I'm looking forward to this show. I've been waiting for it ever since I saw MTV's "True LIfe: Whateva! I'm A Jackass With A Jersey Shore Summer-Share" (or something like that). I honestly expect that "Jersey Shore" will replace "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" as my favorite show.

But right now I'm not as happy as I should be.

I just read that a bunch of my paisans in Jersey are trying to spoil my fun. According to a report in today's Huffington Post, members of UNICO, "a national Italian-American organization based in New Jersey," say that the show is "offensive and should be scrapped before it airs." UNICO President Andre DiMino called the show "trash television."

Yo, back off, Uncle Johnny Italiano! Let a Connie have some fun!

Sarah Silverman: "Sell The Vatican, Feed The World"

Sarah Silverman doesn't like to watch commercials starring people who are starving to death. So she thinks the Pope should sell the Vatican and buy a condo with a water slide. I agree:

SNL Spoofs Whoopi G's Defense Of Roman Polanski

SNL's 'Whoopi': "Look, Seth Meyers, unlike you we have an early morning show. Basically I just roll out of bed and start talking. Sometimes I don't even wake up until 45 minutes into the show, unsure of what I said to whom or what or where or even who got me to where I am or how."

Yeah, sure seems that way sometimes.

Letterman's Crash Course On How To Admit To Affairs (Rimshot Included!)

Last night, David Letterman admitted on air to having had sex with a number of female staffers over the years (video below).

After his monologue, Letterman sat at his desk and for ten minutes explained how a man recently attempted to blackmail him out of $2 million, and what he did about it. And it was hilarious. The best line of the night? "I know what you're saying," he said. "I'll be darned, Dave had sex." 

From today's Chicago Tribune:

A CBS News employee is accused of trying to extort $2 million from David Letterman, forcing the late-night host to admit in an extraordinary monologue before millions of viewers that he had sexual relationships with female employees.

Letterman said that "this whole thing has been quite scary." But he mixed in jokes while outlining what had happened to him, seeming to confuse a laughing audience at Thursday's taping about whether the story was true.

The network said the person who was arrested works on the true-crime show "48 Hours" and has been suspended. A person with knowledge of the investigation said the suspect is Robert J. Halderman. The person spoke on condition of anonymity because authorities have not released the suspect's name.

A "48 Hours" producer named Joe Halderman was part of a team nominated for an Emmy for outstanding continuing coverage of a news story in a news magazine in 2008. Two numbers listed for Halderman were disconnected, and a message left at a third number was not immediately returned Thursday. ...

"I was worried for myself, I was worried for my family," he said. "I felt menaced by this, and I had to tell them all of the creepy things that I had done."

He said "the creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who work for me on this show. My response to that is yes, I have. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Yes, it would, especially for the women."

Whether they wanted to make the relationships public was up to them, he said.

"It's been a very bizarre experience," he said. "I felt like I needed to protect these people. I need to protect my family. I need to protect myself. Hope to protect my job."

CBS said in a statement that "we believe his comments speak for themselves."

Perhaps as a defense mechanism, Letterman sprinkled his remarks with jokes: "I know what you're saying," he said. "I'll be darned, Dave had sex." ...

Comedian Being Sued By Her In-Laws Over Jokes Appears On Today Show

Like a lot of comedians, Sunda Croonquist mines her family, including her in-laws, for material. But unlike her professional peers, Croonquist is being sued by members of her husband's clan, including her mother-in-law, over the jokes made about them onstage.

The pissed-off M-I-L-F-H (mother-in-law from Hell) claims that, according to the Associated Press, Sunda is "spreading false, defamatory and racist lies." Sunda says that she's just joking about her life and would drop any language her family finds offensive, but refuses to pay a settlement. 

Here's part of Croonquist's routine:

"I'm a black woman with a Jewish mother-in-law, you know the only thing we have in common is that we don't want to get our hair wet. So you know there was drama when we got the sonogram results cause she was real excited. 'OK, now that we know you're having a little girl I want to know what you're naming that little tchotchke. Now I realize there's a difference in the background with the African-American, colored, black, whatever you people call yourselves these days. Seriously, I just don't want a name that's difficult to pronounce like Shaniqua. Because in my mind I'm thinking of a name short but delicious. Like Hadassah or Goldie.'"

This morning, the comedian appeared on the Today Show and told Al Roker that she's "shocked and sickened" by the suit (video below). She also concerned that her children are now without a grandmother.  

What makes this situation even more uncomfortable for everyone involved is that Croonquist is being represented by her husband's legal firm, W.E. Willnotbe Controlled, Smothered & Manipulated, Esq.

Just kidding about the name.

Croonquist's lawyer has filed a motion to have the suit dismissed, and a judge will hear it on Sept. 8.

In the meantime, what do you think? Has Croonquist gone too far, or has her mother-in-law gone too far and outed herself as, you know, a lady who doth protest too much?

 

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