Pimp My Wry.

Father Knows Best: A Prop 8 Tale Of Suck

Recently, a friend confessed to me that he voted "yes" on Proposition 8 in 2008. He regretted his decision almost immediately afterward, he said, and added that he now feels ashamed.

When I asked him why he voted to outlaw same-sex marriage, despite knowing, liking and respecting a number of gay people, including a favorite uncle, he told me that the "Yes on 8" folks had convinced him that gay marriage would be bad for his children because "it would be taught in schools." He couldn't recall exactly what would be taught, or even at what age children would be taught. He couldn't tell me how learning about family diversity would have a bad or direct (or even indirect) effect on his own family, because no one had ever really explained those things to him. And, most important, he couldn't say for sure that any of what he was told is true. He simply said that he'd watched enough "Yes on 8" ads to have been convinced that if he didn't vote 'yes,' his children would be harmed on some highly immoral (yet undefined) level.

I call it the "Father Knows Best" defense. But you can go ahead and call it bullshit.

Super Bowl To Feature Only Some Kinds Of Man-On-Man Action

This Sunday, CBS will broadcast a lengthy event featuring lots of strong, sweaty men grappling and wrestling each other to the ground, all in an effort to grab balls and plow through the other guys' back field. Meanwhile, large-breasted women in skimpy skirts and low-cut shirts will jump up and down enthusiastically in an effort to make the whole affair seem less homoerotic so that the majority of men watching will not wonder if they should be questioning their sexuality.

This year's Super Bowl will continue a long tradition of pitting millionaire athletes against one another in their quest to make more money and win some jewelry (a big sparkly ring, to be exact). It will also help the Department of Education meet its quota for exposing hillbillies to Roman numerals once per year.

And that's not all.

Pro-Life (Anti-Choice) Superbowl Ad Straddles Offensive Line

Many times it's been said that we're a lot like the Romans of old.  And it's true, really.  They had their bread and circus; we have Doritos and Bud Light.  They sometimes had corrupt Senates and demented, reckless leaders; ditto here.  And as they loved to blow their money watching gladiators butcher each other, we get our kicks watching guys in helmets and pads wrestle and grope each other on account of an oddly-shaped ball.

Only I don't think that the businessmen of the Old World spent staggering sums so that they could disrupt the combat with ads for their latest sport-utility chariot.  One of the big consequences of being part of a large, consumer-driven economy is that, as a general rule, the more you want to see something, the more advertising you'll have to suffer through.  In the case of a sports event, you can often watch ten minutes of ads with occasional cuts back to the "action," where action is composed largely of a series of timeouts, false starts, and coaches arguing with referees as if it's going to serve any purpose other than to further stall the game.

So ... Why the fuck do people watch sports?

It's just another of those great mysteries of life, like where all those missing socks go or how babies are made (no one has been able to give me a serious, non-sexual explanation of that one yet).  But mysterious or not, the influence of sporting events on daily life cannot be denied.  So great is the potential of those gaps in the "action" that the television network can carve them up into thirty-second increments and try to sell each one for between 2-3Million dollars.  The real crazy part is that people actually buy this time.  Companies producing all sorts of stuff turn into ravenous beasts, gobbling up ad spots in hopes of getting us to gobble up their beer, cola, cars, and stock investment strategies.

(For those of you wondering when I'll get to my point, I'm just now arriving at it.)

Rob Reiner And Prop 8: Meet The New Boss — Not The Same As The Old Boss

You've probably heard that Rob Reiner's been in San Francisco federal court to watch the unfolding of Perry v. Schwarzenegger, otherwise known as the Prop 8 trial. What's he doing there?

Contemplating a movie? Maybe. I mean, I hope so. And I hope it stars Jodie Foster and John Lithgow — you know, the guy who played the latest serial killer beside Dexter. He'd say, "Hate the sin, love the sinner!" like nobody's business!

Here's to hoping.

But let's forget about that for now. According to the CBS News report below, Reiner is "financing much of the legal defense on the gay side."

And that's not all.

Man With World's Largest Penis Scoffs Destiny, Can't Find Job (Video)

Imagine for a moment a world in which a boy named Albert Einstein declared, "Fuck science!  I'm going to be a famous athlete.  Nerds don't get taken seriously.  But athletes? They're the ones swimming in poon!"

Seems wrong, doesn't it?  A brilliant mind, destined for academic greatness, denied its ultimate purpose because its possessor would rather pursue his own whims than embrace the magnificent destiny that was laid at his feet by Providence (and I don't mean the one in Rhode Island).

That would be outrageous!

(For those of you who jumped on this article because you saw the word "penis" in the title, don't worry — I'm getting to that.)

Well, if the image of Albert Einstein as a linebacker for, let's say, the Oakland Raiders seems absurd to you, so should the curious case of Jonah Falcon.

Falcon is five feet, nine inches tall.  By all accounts, he's physically an average 39-year-old, except for one not-so-tiny detail — he's packing 13.5 inches of meaty man torpedo.