Pimp My Wry

Homemade Tourism Video: Cleveland

I've got nothing against Cleveland; never been there. I just stumbled on this video and think it's hilarious:

Bride Loses It During Vows (In A Good Way!)

The couple in the video below, Andrew Engstrom and Melissa Warren, hit a speed bump during the their vows when the groom accidentally mispronounced "lawfully," and said "waffle-y" instead. A minor mistake, considering the event. But when he followed that up with "And pancake-y!" he sent his wife-to-be into hysterics:

Angry Women Glue Cheating Man's Penis To His Stomach

It's crazy, as in Krazy Glue, but some might think it's exactly what the guy had, um, coming.

From the Huffington Post:

A married man who planned to rendezvous with one of his handful of lovers at an eastern Wisconsin motel instead found himself bound, blindfolded and assaulted by a group of women out for revenge, according to court documents.

Four women, including his wife, eventually showed up to humiliate the man, who ended up with his penis glued to his stomach in a bizarre plot to punish him for a lover's quadrangle gone bad, according to the documents filed in Calumet County.

Now it's the women who face punishment, perhaps six years in prison, and at least one said Monday the story has gotten twisted and she's embarrassed.

"I am disturbed. I am upset. I am having a hard time handling life; an emotional wreck," Wendy Sewell, 43, of Kaukauna, said in a telephone interview from her home. "I am ashamed."

Sewell, Therese Ziemann, 48, of Menasha, Michelle Belliveau [pictured], 43, of Neenah, and the man's wife are charged with being party to false imprisonment, a felony. Ziemann also is charged with fourth-degree sexual assault. ... The Associated Press is not naming the man's wife to protect his identity as an alleged victim of sexual assault.

The women's plot for revenge unfolded last Thursday at the Lakeview Motel about 30 miles southwest of Green Bay ...

Criminal complaints filed Friday allege the man agreed to be bound with "sheer sheets" and blindfolded with a pillowcase for a "rub down" by Ziemann. She instead cut off his underwear with a scissors and summoned the others to the room with a text message.

Ziemann struck the man in the face, and used Krazy Glue to attach his penis to his stomach when the other women arrived, according to the complaints. ...

Ziemann told investigators she met the man online through Craigslist, fell in love and paid for his use of a room at the motel for the past two months. She said she gave him about $3,000. Then last Wednesday, she learned from the man's wife that he was married, had other girlfriends and was "using them for money." She expected the money to be repaid, according to the documents. 

Whether or not you believe Ziemann deserves to get her money back, you have to admit that the smirk on Belliveau's face in the picture above is priceless.

$6M Study On Texting While Driving: OMG! It's Dangerous!

Because it's not obvious enough that texting while driving can — and does (see video below) — cause accidents, the New York Times reported today that Virginia Tech Transportation Institute compiled a study that reveals texting "far surpasses the dangers of other driving distractions":

The new study, which entailed outfitting the cabs of long-haul trucks with video cameras over 18 months, found that when the drivers texted, their collision risk was 23 times greater than when not texting. ...

[The institute] also measured the time drivers took their eyes from the road to send or receive texts.

In the moments before a crash or near crash, drivers typically spent nearly five seconds looking at their devices — enough time at typical highway speeds to cover more than the length of a football field.

Even though trucks take longer to stop and are less maneuverable than cars, the findings generally applied to all drivers, who tend to exhibit the same behaviors as the more than 100 truckers studied, the researchers said. ...

Compared with other sources of driver distraction, “texting is in its own universe of risk,” said Rich Hanowski, who oversaw the study at the institute.

Mr. Hanowski said the texting analysis was financed by $300,000 from the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration, which has the mission of improving safety in trucks and buses. More broadly, the research yielding the results represent a significant logistical undertaking.

The overall cost was $6 million to equip the trucks with video cameras and track them for three million miles as they hauled furniture, frozen foods and other goods across the country. ...

Tom Dingus, director of the Virginia Tech institute, one of the world’s largest vehicle safety research organizations, said the study’s message was clear.

“You should never do this,” he said of texting while driving. “It should be illegal.”

What should be illegal is spending $6M to discover what anyone with a brain already knows.

But what makes this colossal waste of money even more shameful is that the results of the study probably won't change the bad behavior of drivers. According to the Times, some who text while driving know the risks, but do it anyway:

The AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety plans on Tuesday to publish polling data that show that 87 percent of people consider drivers texting or e-mailing to pose a “very serious” safety threat (roughly equal to the 90 percent who consider drunken drivers a threat).

Of the 2,501 drivers surveyed this spring, 95 percent said that texting was unacceptable behavior. Yet 21 percent of drivers said they had recently texted or e-mailed while driving.

About half of drivers 16 to 24 said they had texted while driving, compared with 22 percent of drivers 35 to 44.

Robert Smith, a recent college grad from Maine, who probably shoots roman candles out of his ass for fun, told the Times that he texts while driving regularly, even though he knows it's a very stupid thing to do:

“I put the phone on top of the steering wheel and text with both thumbs,” he said, adding that he often has exchanges of 10 messages or more. Sometimes, “I’ll look up and realize there’s a car sitting there and swerve around it. ... I’m pretty sure that someday it’s going to come back to bite me,” he said of his behavior.

And I'm pretty sure that the 'Jaws of Life' at his local fire/rescue department are salivating at this very moment.

One Toke Over The Line? Sweet Jesus, What's That On Your Face?

According to a woman running for Miss High Times, the city that represents "the best pot anywhere" is Santa Cruz, CA.

I don't have first-hand knowledge of this. Nope. No sir. Not at all. But if you want some very strong evidence that what she says is probably true, look no further than the video below shot at a 2008 Santa Cruz city council meeting. 

The council and the folks in the gallery were enlightened entertained by another young woman who is either stoned out of her mind or the poster child for an city organization called "School? What's That?"

I'm not exactly sure what the focus of the meeting was, but it appears to have had something to do with food, organic farming, metal mining and the slavery problem on the east coast. Yes, you read that right: the slavery problem.

Whatever the woman's purpose for testifying, she fails miserably, and I can't help but wonder what she's doing now and if she knows the woman pictured above wearing the doobie snorkel.

 

Enjoy, and keep in mind that even though this video comes from Collegehumor.com, it doesn't look like a joke:

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

What's The Best Way To Begin A Life Together? Dance!

This video of Kevin Hines, Jill Peterson and their wedding party dancing down the aisle at their church ceremony has already been seen by over a million people, but I can't resist posting it.

The couple was interviewed by Matt and Meredith and on The Today Show this morning. It was all Jill's idea.

Live long and prosper, you crazy kids!

Humor In Advertising Needs No Translation

A little over a week ago, I posted Stupid Products For People With Large Breasts and Short Arms. 

Today, I bring you 4 of what the Huffington Post calls The 9 Craziest Japanese Ads Of All Time.

It doesn't matter if you don't speak or understand Japanese. This kind of ridiculousness transcends all language barriers.

Enjoy!

1. This guy's blood pressure is so high that he can put out a fire with the blood that's gushing from a hole in his head:

 

2. Do dancing orange Weeble-like babies make you think of noodles? I didn't think so. But they do the trick in Japan.

   

3. In this ad, Little Red Riding Hood runs into animals with large, um ... well, see for yourself.

   

 4. Hulk Hogan sells air-conditioners in this ad. But what's the baby doing in there?

 

Writer Proposes An Award System To Pay HuffPost Bloggers

It's. About. Time.

Michelle Haimoff, Huffington Post blogger and author of "Secret New York," considers the approximate $10M/year HP receives in ad revenues and proposes a way for the top site to reward writers:

To my knowledge, no one has ever proposed a way for The Huffington Post to pay its writers, so that's what I'm going to do. The great thing about Arianna is that even if she has no interest in ever paying her bloggers, The Huffington Post will publish this article. Arianna might even comment on it. I don't expect my proposal to be perfect, but it's a way to get the dialogue started. I hope that whoever is not in favor of this payment structure takes the time to come up with something better. ...

I propose that The Huffington Post commit to spending 20% of its revenue rewarding bloggers. For 2009, this would be $2 million.

Not all bloggers will be rewarded. There are 4,000 bloggers that contribute to the site, and this structure only rewards those who contribute the most to the site's business and editorial goals.

$2 million a year is $166,666 a month.

Every month authors of the 200 articles that receive the highest number of page views would receive $250 bonuses.

Every month authors of the 200 articles that result in the most time spent on the site would receive $250 bonuses.

Every month authors of the 200 articles that are of the highest editorial quality would receive $250 bonuses.

Read the details of her proposal here.