Pimp My Wry

Before Samantha There Was Blanche, The Golden Slut

When The Golden Girls first aired in 1985, Rue McClanahan's Blanche Devereaux was roughly the same age as Kim Cattrall's Samantha Jones is (52) in this year's Sex and the City 2. Age is most certainly just a number these days, but for both Blanche and Samantha it was always just a number. The sex drives of both characters only increased with each additional birthday candle.

That said, it's only fitting that with the recent passing of Rue McClanahan and the release of Sex and the City 2, I post videos honoring both. FYI, needless to say, Samantha's montage is NSFW, motherfucker.

Do You Like Porn, Take Cold Showers? The Catholic Church Wants To Know

The New York Times reported today on the "sexuality hurdles" prospective priests face:

“When was the last time you had sex?” all candidates for the seminary are asked. (The preferred answer: not for three years or more.)

“What kind of sexual experiences have you had?” is another common question. “Do you like pornography?”

Depending on the replies, and the results of standardized psychological tests, the interview may proceed into deeper waters: “Do you like children?” and “Do you like children more than you like people your own age?” ...

Most candidates are likely to be asked not only about past sexual activities but also about masturbation fantasies, consumption of alcohol, relationships with parents and the causes of romantic breakups. ...

In seminaries that seek to hew closely to the Vatican rules, a candidate may be measured by the extent to which he defines himself as gay..."

Measured. Heh, heh.

Read the full story here.

The Lesbian Grass Is Always Greener, Especially When It's (Kate) Moss

Courtney Love was on the Howard Stern Show this morning and admitted to his crew, including Robin Quivers, that she once had a lesbian one-night stand with a supermodel.

Which one? Well, the woman she described sounds a lot like Kate Moss.

 

Love: "My only one on one was — I was out of my mind — was the supermodel. And she's notoriously, pretty much gay. And that's because every girlfriend I have in London has had sex with her. So, some time in the 90s, sometime late 90s, um, I was in an Italian city with her and she pretty much chased me around the room. Literally, like she was the aggressor. And I thought: ' You know what? If you're gonna do it, do it with that one. Do it with that one.' It wasn't Naomi Campbell for god's sakes ... It's just like a hot supermodel."

Stern: "You're talking someone as hot as like a Gisele [Bundchen]?"

Love: "Older than Gisele, but perennial."

Stern: "Like an Elle McPherson beautiful?"

Love: "Prettier " [imitating the unnamed supermodel's British accent]: "Remember when we were in Milan?"

Premature Ejaculation Sufferers, Come Quick!

In the world of commas, placement is everything.

But, in a world full of malfunctioning penises, well, there are pills for what ails. And one more has been added to the market.

Why be just an innocent and messy bystander to your love life when you can last a full six minutes instead of just two?:

The UK is bracing itself for the release of the first pill designed to end premature ejaculation.

Medical trials have shown that just one tablet of the drug Priligy can make men last up to three times as long during sexual intercourse. ...With the use of the drug, men can have more an active role over when they climax.

Up to 30% of men have reported problems with premature ejaculation. The pills are already on sale in some European countries.

Nitin Makadia, head of male sexual health at British pharmacy chain Lloyds, said, "Priligy has the potential to do as much for men's sexual health as Viagra."

The pill is not without side effects however, with warnings of dizziness, headaches and feeling restless.

Also, unfortunately for booze hounds, the pill is not supposed to be taken with alcohol — which makes sense, at $118 for 3 pills, you probably can't afford to drink anyway.

Who Will Play Nicole Kidman's Wife in "The Danish Girl"?

In an interview with Harper's Bazaar, Gwyneth Paltrow reveals that she's backed out of playing Nicole Kidman's wife in "The Danish Girl," the fictionalized (though somewhat biographical)  film about Lili Elbe née Einarstory (Kidman), the man who underwent the first sex-change operation, and his supportive wife. Paltrow originally agreed to the part in November, taking the place of Charlize Theron.

From Harper's:

Gwyneth has also significantly scaled back her film obligations. With daughter Apple, six, and son Moses, four, both in school, shuttling the pair around the globe has proven to be, well, exhausting. "Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I'm so tired," she says with a sigh. She even pulled out of a movie with Nicole Kidman, The Danish Girl. With the shoot changing locales, Gwyneth found it too taxing for her little ones. Not to mention that her husband, Coldplay's Chris Martin, has an equally complex tour schedule. She does readily admit, however, "When you're having dinner with your kids and your husband and someone says something funny or you're dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn't matter what else is going on. That's real happiness. ...

There's some speculation that Gwyneth's reasoning is just an excuse, however, as the film is having a tough time getting past the planning stages.

Hey, Pope, You Have The Right To Remain Silent — Something You're Already Good At

Should the pope be arrested for his part in the cover-up of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church?

The Vatican, of course, says that he is immune to prosecution because he is a head of state — a far, far cry from declaring the pope innocent of any involvement in the scandal. But two of the world's most famous atheists and smarty-pants, Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, believe he should be arrested. (Dawkins denies the assertion made by The Sunday Times that he would arrest the pope himself, however.) 

But does the question really require a lot of thought and debate?

Nah.

Common sense dictates that if the pope was the head of any other large organization caught up in the same scandal, his ass would have been led to a chair in an interrogation room a long time ago. Allowing him preferential treatment simply because of his "state" position and/or his believed proximity to God is ludicrous. The man has made some very bad decisions in his life, some that have deeply hurt others and have now caught up to him. He can pray all he wants for forgiveness, promise never to ignore/conceal abuse again, pinky-swear to use his power for good and not evil, but he shouldn't be allowed to duck punishment and hide from responsibility behind the walls of the Vatican.

What Bristol Palin Should Have Said

Bristol Palin and her son Tripp appear in a new public service announcement made in an effort to decrease teen pregnancy (video below). Sponsored by the Candie's Foundation, and apparently written by a fan of  "Dynasty," the much-hyped PSA leaves much to be desired.

I don't doubt that the producers of the ad were aiming for "dramatic" results, but what they actually created is an eye-roll inducing, condescending piece of foolishness.

In the ad, Bristol, who seems to have raided "The Golden Girls" wardrobe trailer for her outfit, tells viewers that being a teen mother is no picnic ... unless you're her, the product of a "famous family" that "supports" her and provides her with "opportunities." She wants all those less fortunate girls who are on the road to getting knocked-up to know that she enjoys an education, built-in baby-holders, make-up, furniture, and clothes that, although ugly, aren't made of denim, and they won't.

Granted, no matter what this girl tries to do with her life, she'll be criticized for it simply because she's related to an imbecile. I know it, and you know it. So, why don't the people handling her know it?

At The Vatican, "Generously Serve" Is Latin For "Hide The Salami"

Yesterday, Cardinal Angelo Sodano defended Pope Benedict during the  pontiff's Easter Sunday Mass. Addressing the Pope directly, Sodano said that the Church would not be intimidated by "petty gossip" about sexual abuse of children by priests:

The people of God are with you and will not let themselves be influenced by the petty gossip of the moment, by the trials that sometimes assail the community of believers.

He also defended  "the 400,000 priests who generously serve" in schools, hospitals and missions around the world.

A wordsmith, he's not.