Pimp My Wry

Tiger Woods To His Crappy Judgment: "I Wish I Knew How To Quit You"

Gossip site TMZ has learned that in exchange for silence, Tiger Woods has agreed to pay mistress Rachel Uchitel a "baseline" of $10M. That's a LOT of hush money — much more than the $2-5M suggested in earlier reports.

OK, so it's a drop in a bucket for a guy who gambles $30K a hand at Blackjack in Vegas, but it's also totally out of character for the same guy who, when it comes to women he's not married to, is notoriously cheap.

In its new issue, Vanity Fair reports that four of Tiger's mistresses provide detailed accounts of his private life. According to the magazine, one woman, Mindy Lawton, says "the only thing he ever bought for her was a chicken wrap from Subway (he was stopping there on his way to meet her)." The article also reveals that Tiger and Jamie Jungers "broke it off, according to Jungers, because he refused to help her financially."

So, such a giant sum isn't only unusual in the real world, but also highly unusual on Planet Tiger. "We're told several mistresses got several hundred thousand dollars, and others got nothing," reports TMZ. "That speaks volumes about how much Rachel knows."

Sure does. So what might Rachel know?  

Tiger Woods To Play Augusta; Nike To Introduce "Slime Ball"

Okay, so I'm kidding about Nike.

The Golf Channel reports that Tiger Woods will play at Augusta National after a four-month hiatus "because of a sex scandal."

Really? "Hiatus" and "sex scandal"  in the same sentence? Isn't that sort of like putting "prison boyfriend" and "romance" in the same sentence? "Root canal" and "party"?

The Masters begins on April 8, and Tiger will be there.

In a statement released this morning, Woods said the following:

The Masters is where I won my first major and I view this tournament with great respect. After a long and necessary time away from the game, I feel like I’m ready to start my season at Augusta.

The major championships have always been a special focus in my career and, as a professional, I think Augusta is where I need to be, even though it’s been a while since I last played.

I have undergone almost two months of inpatient therapy and I am continuing my treatment. Although I’m returning to competition, I still have a lot of work to do in my personal life.

When I finally got into a position to think about competitive golf again, it became apparent to me that the Masters would be the earliest I could play. I called both Joe Lewis and Arnold Palmer and expressed my regrets for not attending the Tavistock Cup and the Arnold Palmer Invitational. I again want to thank them both for their support and their understanding. Those are fantastic tournaments and I look forward to competing in them again.

I would also like to thank the Augusta National members and staff for their support. I have deep appreciation for everything that they do to create a wonderful event for the benefit of the game.

If only he had the same "deep appreciation" for his wife and for the "benefit" of his marriage and family. If only I could buy a "Slime Ball." It sounds like it would be good for distance.

Super Bowl To Feature Only Some Kinds Of Man-On-Man Action

This Sunday, CBS will broadcast a lengthy event featuring lots of strong, sweaty men grappling and wrestling each other to the ground, all in an effort to grab balls and plow through the other guys' back field. Meanwhile, large-breasted women in skimpy skirts and low-cut shirts will jump up and down enthusiastically in an effort to make the whole affair seem less homoerotic so that the majority of men watching will not wonder if they should be questioning their sexuality.

This year's Super Bowl will continue a long tradition of pitting millionaire athletes against one another in their quest to make more money and win some jewelry (a big sparkly ring, to be exact). It will also help the Department of Education meet its quota for exposing hillbillies to Roman numerals once per year.

And that's not all.

Pro-Life (Anti-Choice) Superbowl Ad Straddles Offensive Line

Many times it's been said that we're a lot like the Romans of old.  And it's true, really.  They had their bread and circus; we have Doritos and Bud Light.  They sometimes had corrupt Senates and demented, reckless leaders; ditto here.  And as they loved to blow their money watching gladiators butcher each other, we get our kicks watching guys in helmets and pads wrestle and grope each other on account of an oddly-shaped ball.

Only I don't think that the businessmen of the Old World spent staggering sums so that they could disrupt the combat with ads for their latest sport-utility chariot.  One of the big consequences of being part of a large, consumer-driven economy is that, as a general rule, the more you want to see something, the more advertising you'll have to suffer through.  In the case of a sports event, you can often watch ten minutes of ads with occasional cuts back to the "action," where action is composed largely of a series of timeouts, false starts, and coaches arguing with referees as if it's going to serve any purpose other than to further stall the game.

So ... Why the fuck do people watch sports?

It's just another of those great mysteries of life, like where all those missing socks go or how babies are made (no one has been able to give me a serious, non-sexual explanation of that one yet).  But mysterious or not, the influence of sporting events on daily life cannot be denied.  So great is the potential of those gaps in the "action" that the television network can carve them up into thirty-second increments and try to sell each one for between 2-3Million dollars.  The real crazy part is that people actually buy this time.  Companies producing all sorts of stuff turn into ravenous beasts, gobbling up ad spots in hopes of getting us to gobble up their beer, cola, cars, and stock investment strategies.

(For those of you wondering when I'll get to my point, I'm just now arriving at it.)

Ron Artest Pens Open Letter To Tiger: "Only Jesus Is Perfect" (The Rest Of Us Stay Home With Our Wives)

Lakers star Ron Artest has posted an open letter to Tiger Woods on his blog. The main messages? So many women ... so little time but one wife too many;  dude, I wanna go out, too, but I got kids; and only Jesus doesn't think of women every five seconds.

Here's an excerpt:

Dear Tiger,

In reading the statements you have made, I can tell you are a stand up guy. Please remember only Jesus is perfect. You made a mistake and you admitted your infidelity.

I have made the same mistakes. Before I got married to my wife, I had a baby with another young lady, after I already had two by my girlfriend who is now my wife. We also had another baby which makes three for us and four for me. Two boys and two girls.

My wife is a much better wife than I am a husband. We still argue and disagree after being together 16 years. and I still cope with the fact that there are so many women out there and I choose to stay loyal to my wife.

I want to be home every night, but with traveling I can’t, and sometimes I might want to go to a bar or club and be one of the fellas. Most of the time I stay in, because I have my kids and wife.

I cannot sit here and say the thought to have many women has never crossed my mind. If I were Jesus I could.

I have known my wife for 16 years– since I was 14 years old.

She was my first. ...

This is your first publicly known issue since you started your career, compared to my 50 or more publicly known issues and mistakes. ...

Um, make that 51.

Charles Barkley to Tiger Woods' Critics: You Don't Understand 'Cause You're Not Famous

So Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley and Tiger Woods walk into a bar. 

The bartender asks, "What'll ya have?" 

"Miller Lite," Barkley replies. "We can't have real beer tonight because we're not here to have a good time.  We got together to give Tiger a shoulder to cry on."

No, this isn't the beginning of yet another lame joke in post-Tiger-adultery America.  This is apparently how things actually play out for famous athletes when one of their friends becomes a total douchebag.  Here we have CNN quoting Charles Barkley:

"I think when you have these fires in your life, as I call them, you need to talk to somebody else who is famous who [has] been through things in their life," Barkley said. "I don't think you can talk about it to your family and friends, because your family and friends, they're not famous."

Fucking incredible.  Where do I start on this gem of a quote?

Perez Hilton: The Picture Of Shallowness, Arrogance and Rage

Today, the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) took blogger Perez Hilton to task over remarks he made in a video about his confrontation with will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas and members of the band’s entourage:

"And that is when I made the split-second decision - that I was gonna say what I thought was the worst possible thing that thug [will.i.am] would ever want to hear. As I was standing my ground - without being violent or physical which I would never do - I told him - and you know what? I don't need to respect you and you're a f**. You're gay and stop being such a f***ot."

 GLAAD issued the following statement in response:

"These are vulgar anti-gay slurs that feed a climate of hatred and intolerance toward our community," said Rashad Robinson, Senior Director of Media Programs at GLAAD. “For someone in our own community to use it to attack another person by saying that it is, quote, ‘The worst possible thing that thug would ever want to hear,’ is incredibly dangerous. It legitimizes use of a slur that is often linked to violence against our community. And it sends a message that it is OK to attempt to dehumanize people by exploiting anti-gay attitudes.”

“We have reached out to Hilton and asked him to apologize for promoting this anti-gay slur, and we would ask media outlets to avoid repetition of the slur in their coverage of this story.”

Reuters is reporting that Toronto police have charged Liborio Molina, the manager of the Black Eyed Peas, with assault.

“While not all the facts in this case are known, the violence that appears to have been committed against Perez Hilton is unacceptable and ought to be condemned in the strongest possible terms,” said Robinson.

I've never been a fan of Hilton's and I'm certainly not a fan of assault, but this last stunt of his only reinforces my dislike of him. He leaves no doubt in my mind that he's the picture of shallowness, arrogance and rage, and nothing more than a stain on the LGBT community.

If we get an apology of any substance, I'll be surprised.

This Just In: Artie Lange Is A "Homophobic" ... And The Sun Will Set In The West!

Artie Lange, comedian and Howard Stern Show regular, is a fugly man who makes fun of gay people. In fact, he's a self-described  "homophobic."

Shocking!

In the first episode of HBO's Joe Buck Live last night, guest Artie Lange appeared with actor Paul Rudd and SNL funny man Jason Sudeikis and  stole the show, disarming the host and upsetting some viewers with his remarks.

USA Today called Lange's bit "a train wreck,"  and the New York Times reported that Lange's "scatological, homophobic, insult act was delivered with a sort of blithe and gleeful explosiveness that threw Buck a bit."

What, exactly did Lange say? When Buck, a Fox sportscaster, announced that celebrity gossip site TMZ was his favorite website, Lange shot back: "Joe, TMZ is your favorite website? What's your second, suckingcock.com?"

A few moments later, Lange channeled his inner gay, threw up a limp-wrist, and added, "I'm on TMZ constantly, did you see what Angelina was wearing today? What the fuck, how about going to a sports website for Christ's sake?" 

Then he took aim at Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo. "As a Giants fan, and a well-known homophobic," Lange said, "it's like a white trash gift from God that the fucking Cowboys have a quarterback whose last name rhymes with homo." 

He followed that by calling Romo's "girlfriend," singer Jessica Simpson, a "fat chick" who resembles the late SNL comic Chris Farley.

Later, according to the Huffington Post, this happened:

As Buck attempted to rush Lange through a story about Buck's father, Lange said, "sorry to ruin your fucking great show."

"I appreciate the apology, because you have," Buck said.

Finally, near the end of the segment, Lange takes out a cigarette and an increasingly earnest Buck yelled at him not to light it.

"If you do that, sir! Sir, you cannot do that," Buck shouted.

"I won't light it," Lange said.

"You think I care about you smoking a cigarette after what you just laid out here?" Buck said, leading Lange to say, "Fuck it, let's do it bro" and light up. "No, don't, please!" Buck said.
"Say what you mean," Lange said back.

HBO Sports president Ross Greenburg said Lange "bordered on bad taste" with his "mean-spirited" tone. "Look, live television is all about risk-reward. We know who Artie Lange was when he was booked," said Greenburg. "We knew there was a certain degree of a risk factor in where he would go and where he would take us. I think at the end of the day, we'll let the public decide.  ... The public will have the last say in what they thought of Artie Lange tonight."

Buck, however, made his own decision. "Do I think it went too far? Yes," said Buck. "Will he be back? If it's up to me, no."

But it's probably not up to him. So Lange will be back. He'll also be on Howard Stern again before anyone can say "Artie Lange is a cliche."

Sigh. 

Maybe it's the mood I'm in today, but I'm going to do as little of the obligatory screaming as possible, and then quickly move on. Yes, Artie Lange is an ass. But I have much bigger problems and fish to fry.